e-Book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition download

Conversations move life forward. They can also stop things from moving forward. Relationships end on conversations and begin. Teams are formed and broken apart. Goals are made, expectations laid out, visions happen, all around conversations.

Feelings get hurt in conversations, lies are told, deception, betrayal, all of these can happen in conversations.

Enter the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. I heard Joseph Grenny, one of the authors speak on this topic recently at the leadership summit and got a lot out of his session.

All of us know the feeling of this kind of conversation and we know that this is where life changes.

Here are 10 things I got from the book that I have found helpful in my life and leadership:

1. When we face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things: We can avoid them, We can face them and handle them poorly, or We can face them and handle them well. At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations—ones that we’re either not holding or not holding well. Christians and church staffs are notorious for avoiding crucial conversations. This is why churches often split, people leave hurt and visions never move forward. Instead of doing the hard work in a conversation, they are avoided. When in reality, because of what is at stake (salvation) and because of the calling of Jesus, we should do a better job of having crucial conversations.
2. Individuals who are the most influential—who can get things done and at the same time build on relationships—are those who master their crucial conversations. We all know this to be true. If you aren't very good at dialogue, you sit back in wonder at those who are. They are able to gain more influence, get more done and people want to be on their team and a part of what they are doing. This is why raising the value of this skill and getting better at it matters so much. Things move forward or stop around conversations.
3. The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. Grenny said this at the summit and it grabbed my attention. This is one of, if not the main reason, most conversations stop and things do not move forward. Fear. Fear of a relationship ending, something stopping, getting fired or hurting someone. Yet, if we don't tell the truth, we often can't be a friend.
4. People rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation. If you are a boss and want honest feedback and conversation, people can't fear for their jobs or that you will yell at them. Recently, there has been a lot of writing online about pastors abusing people, creating a culture of fear, yelling at staff members, elders and volunteers and it blows my mind. If you are known for that as a pastor, you should be embarrassed.
5. Be careful not to apologize for your views. This can be easy to do and it often happens as a way to soften your opinion or the blow in a conversation, but you shouldn't apologize for what you think. It is what you think. It might be hard or unpopular to say, but don't shy away from it. You may be wise to change how you phrase it, but always be willing to share what you think in a conversation.
6. One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become. I done this very easily in the past. Yet, this practice keeps people from buying in and helping to make something happen. When we do this, we don't understand why people aren't on board. The reason is the harder we push our way, the harder they push their way.
7. Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence, it decreases it. The converse is also true—the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions. The more harshly we speak or the more we give the impression that there is only one way, the less likely it becomes that people will speak up. Now, on issues like vision, it must be clear and have agreement. But, in conversations, if we give the impression that something has been decided or that we aren't open to suggestions, we will kill discussion.
8. When we feel the need to push our ideas on others, it’s generally because we believe we’re right and everyone else is wrong. This is another way the previous one. If you find yourself pushing your ideas, you aren't having a good dialogue and instead are simply giving out orders. That may be your leadership style, but it won't accomplish a healthy team environment and in the end, your church or business will never reach its full potential.
9. The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior. As a leader or a person in a relationship, you must learn this well. This was an eye opening insight for me. I get very passionate about things, as most people do, and when I do, I can shut down dialogue and end up hurting people. We do this, often unintentionally because we care about something, because we believe we are right and have the only way forward.
10. The fuzzier the expectations, the higher the likelihood of disappointment. When a crucial conversation ends, there must be clear expectations and guidance moving forward. It cannot be fuzzy or gray. Otherwise, a conversation has not ended, it is simply on pause.
All in all, this was an incredibly helpful book. Some of it covered things I already knew but showed some helpful insights. I've already seen a change in some of my conversations with leaders at my church and in my family through this book. Definitely one I'd recommend.

Excellent! One of the most life-changing books I've ever read (and I'm a voracious reader). What you'll learn in this book applies to your personal and professional life. As a woman, I wish I would have read this book years ago. I would have been better prepared to ask for promotions and been a better listener as a mother. I've purchased 7 books as gifts for college-aged kids. I wish I would have known about this book years ago. It's a book that you can re-read many times and still gain tips to help you through crucial conversations.

I purchased this book due to the ratings on Amazon but I don't feel this is the best book for developing communication skills. Dale Carnegie and Daniel Goleman are better leaders in this space.

The material in crucial conversations heavily lays on the traditional marketing/sales tone you would expect to hear if a marriage counselor had an infomercial, or if you attended a "free" dinner at a chamber of commerce. The first quarter of the book references studies in a hand-wavy fashion before waterboarding you with anecdotal claims about the effectiveness of Crucial Conversations® (I am not being facetious; The "®" actually appears in some places).

In the interest of transparency, I gave the book two stars because I think there is something fundamentally wrong with a product that tells you how great it's going to be when you are in the middle of consuming it. I also find it hard to believe the scripted stories the book presents as real applications of the advertised techniques (which are, of course, never verifiable). Everyone was fighting the CEO in a meeting, but lo and behold, thanks to the one guy who used techniques from Crucial Conversations, everyone gasped and the CEO admitted his faults despite being defensive just a moment before!

Even some of the good reviews from this book on Amazon carry the same eerie, generic Pleasantville vibe that makes me wonder if the rating is forged. The masturbatory fluff and presence of meaningful content in better books elsewhere makes this a bad buy. Steer clear.

I struggle with communicating effectively. As I considered my professional development plan for the year, I knew this was an area I wanted to focus on. I learned about Crucial Conversations from SHRM and decided to make it a first step. I'm glad I did.

The book is chock full of good ideas on ways to communicate more effectively when it really counts. The authors provide great tips to illustrate the principles and make them real. There are no shockers here. Everything is pretty common sense and yet, it took this book for me to put them together.

I have already used the principles I learned in the book in crucial conversations both at home and work. I've certainly not mastered the art yet, but I do feel more prepared and a bit less anxious in these high impact situations. I look forward to continuing to practice and improve over time.

If your life requires that you interact with others, this book is for you!